Five Certificates Toward Your New, Limited Career

28 Mar

by Kristen

Let me taxidermy your pet.

In this bad economy, it is important to have a diverse skill set that allows you to be qualified for a variety of jobs. But I find generality boring, so I’ve made a career out of being really good at specific things that won’t, under any circumstances, make me desirable for another job. Being an expert at identifying different species of African gazelle by their poop and a graduate of Friendly’s University (yes, the ice cream restaurant), I am more interesting but unemployable. Most would say, “Go to graduate school. Please.” But I say,”Go to funny certificate college. Now.” So if you want to get the opportunity to disappoint your parents and be qualified to do one very specific thing, check out these programs.

1. National Institute of Bail Enforcement
I don’t know why I ever went to a college that didn’t have a motto, let alone the motto: You can run, but you can’t hide. This Illinois school will train you to be the Bounty Hunter you always dreamed you could be. Get your Pepper Spray Certification or learn how to NOT impersonate a law officer. And it is for smart people, as Police Magazine named it, “The Harvard of Bounty Hunters.”

2. Missoula Valley School of Taxidermy
Located in Montana, this school offers two to eight week courses. Forget your Master’s Degree and actually master the art of detachable antlers, European skull bleaching, and open mouth rugs.  Tuition is pricey, but it includes specimens and “housing” (their quotes, not mine). Explore this majestic state, take steps to starting your own business, and gain a new creepy skill set.

3. Cirque School
Split into aerial and ground classes, sign up for Intermediate Fabric Tricks or Dance for Anybody. This school, obviously located in Los Angeles, will train you for your career in the Cirque de Soleil. Stay in the program long enough and you can claim the title Certified Hoopnotica Master Level.

4. Klingon Language Institute
Okay, so you won’t get a real certificate, but you will gain a supportive community and possible job opportunities. At the yearly meetings, learn from the professionals who are working to explore and preserve the language and culture that never really existed. Once you are fluent, you can go on to translate and publish Shakespeare’s greatest works or the Bible. Yes, that happened. Get on this money train.

5. Voice Acting Academy
If you (or your child) have great vocal range, a face for radio, and are uninterested in writing your own material, there is a career waiting for you. Who knew a Shout Workshop could last 8 weeks? No doubt you’ll emerge from this program with a lot of new friends and a very narrow, but interesting, future.

More by Kristen, please…

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Posted by on March 28, 2011 in Kristen, Top Fives


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