Top Things NOT to Purchase from Skymall

30 Mar

By Kristy and Kristen

Kristy’s Picks:

1. Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar, $299.99
This woman does not look tranquil, nor does she appear to be enjoying any sort of ‘bar’.  Maybe someone should give her the polite tip that oxygen is available for free in our atmosphere, which is all around her.  This product is also a great example of pseudo-scientific claims being used to sell products.  Case in point “Work, stress, drinking and environmental factors deplete our oxygen and affect our health.”  Absolute rubbish.

2. Wine and Liquor Accelerator, $59.99
If you were excited like me, you may have thought that this amazing product would do for 1 glass of wine what 2 glasses of wine can do (and half the calories!).  Alas, this is just a crappy way to ‘age’ your wine.  This product features “Neodymium (definitely made-up word) magnets”.

3. Tabletop Photo Studio, $79.99-$199.95
While on the one hand, I could see myself using this mini photo studio setup to photograph my all-black cat (very difficult to see against regular backdrops), this item is completely unnecessary and ridiculous.  Items you should use instead: white sheet, lightbulb. Money saved: $79.99-$199.95

4. Black and White Floral Hoodie, $59.95
Good God this is Ugly.

5. World’s Largest Write-on Map, $149.95
No, this is not from the SkyMall section for teachers or travel agents.  This is in the Gifts section. It is a 9 x 13 mural-like map to hang on your wall. I can assure you that anyone receiving this gift would much prefer to receive instead the full $149.95 in cash.  And just what exactly are people writing across this map?  Guesses on where to find Eritrea? I’m sure memories of a trip to Hawaii could not fit on the island, even with this over-sized map.  Useless.

Kristen’s Picks:

6. Body Contour Derriere Booster, $74.99
In the Intimate Apparel section, this elastic body suit is basically ass-less spanx chaps. Surprise your lover with this sexy beige mess that brags “comfortable crotch opening” and “controls back fat.”

7. Cosmetic Teeth, $39.98
Sure, there is a whole medical profession dedicated to fixing your teeth, but getting your new molars from Sky Mall makes sense. Fitting can be “done, by yourself, at home.”

8. Peephole Door Camera Spy, $99.95
“We all have those few people in our lives that always irritate us and try to visit us… whether it be a stalker, annoying friend, or shady looking stranger.” Wow. If you have so many creepy people lurking around your house, why not just move, call the cops, or buy a gun?

9. Never Give Up Necklace, $36.95
If you need a pendant that reminds you, not once, but three times to “never never never give up,” I think it is about time that you did. Instead of projecting your pain to the world, use that money to get some help.

(Picked by both of us)
10. Cat Toilet Training System, $49.99
Nothing says “my bathroom is clean” to your guests like finding a little cat turd floating in the bowl. Even if one does wish to toilet train their feline friend, I’m sure the items to do so can be found around the house.  Case in point:



2 responses to “Top Things NOT to Purchase from Skymall

  1. The Don

    March 31, 2011 at 11:57 am

    How in the heck did the 6′ tall statue of Anubis not make it on this list?

    #1 Oxygen is actually a stimulant (you combust things for a living, pardon the pun).
    #2 Neodymium Magnets are real and the most powerful permanent magnets in the world.
    #10 This may actually be the most useful thing Skymall sells, do you actually want to wrap up your toilet in wax paper every morning when for 50 bucks you could buy a kit? If you account for the value of time, it pays for itself very quickly, not to mention the cost of kitty litter.

    My 2 cents…

  2. tyrannosauruslists

    March 31, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    THE DON!!!
    Excellent , and exactly, how can O2 like this be relaxing?

    (I know those magnets are real, I have Google too, but I refuse to believe it)

    OK. I’m buying the kitty training set right now…..

    thanks for your 2+ cents!


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