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Feel the Sting from My Lasso of Truth!

08 Apr

by Kristen

Lame-o Woman

This is the photo that launched a thousand booooos last month.

My generation has accepted Sarah Conner, Ripley and even Buffy, so what the @$#% is wrong with Wonder Woman? We like tough women, but female DC or Marvel superheroes have proven they can’t carry a feature film or TV show, with the exception of Linda Carter. Well, David E. Kelley is going to try anyway. WW’s own creator, William Moulton Marston, said it best, “Not even girls want to be girls so long as our feminine archetype lacks force, strength, and power.” He believed he created that role model. I disagree and think, like pretty much everyone else, that this new re-invention will be a stinker. But, Mr. Kelley, I want to help:

1. WantedAwesome Backstory
Originally Wonder Woman descended from mythological goddesses and hailed from a remote ladies-only Amazonian island that she leaves, finding herself in a “Man’s World.” Sounds preachy and embedded with boring history! All WW reinventions have failed to successfully re-imagine her backstory. Update her! Wonder Woman could be some sort of lawyer or prosecutor (c’mon, Kelley, I know you have this in you) who gets wrongly accused of something and is sent to prison. In the women’s prison (now you have your “Amazons” and possible future enemies), she learns to fight before she busts out (no cheesy superpowers), becomes a vigilante, looking for the truth using a lie detector/torture machine (metaphoric lasso of truth and shout out to Marston who actually invented the real lie detector), and sets everything right. There. I just made it better in five minutes. Comics, like the Bible or poems, are not meant to be taken literally.

2. That Costume Has Got to Go
Originally, Woman Woman looked hot, then was re-drawn wearing pants (because
everyone knows that means she is modern and serious), then you, Dave E., did whatever this mess is to the new girl. Let’s pretend it is a joke that you leaked to the press. Learn a lesson from the latest successful movies: introduce the costume in a utilitarian way (see Spiderman, Batman, or Iron Man), followed by technical improvements made with help from a person of another race like this guy, or these guys, or why not dare to take it further?

3. Motivations that Exclude Her Ex
Whatever plot you go with, Kelley, please don’t make it all about Steve Trevor. Yes, it is cute that he always gets kidnapped and WW has to save him. But cute does not a superhero make.

4. Watch Out for That… Tree!
There are a mess of traps in the Wonder Woman plot that you’ll have to watch out for. You have cast the role of Etta Candy, Wonder Woman’s chubby sidekick who has an eating disorder from being self-conscious about her weight due to her love of… that’s right, candy. You are including Veronica Cale, classic powerful woman who hates other powerful women, and possibly kale. And don’t forget: Wonder Woman loses her powers when chained or bound by a man, or by having her belt removed. Yikes! There are some real land mines in there, be careful!

5. A (that means singular) Wonder Woman
Woman Woman doesn’t have to be a stand in for all women. She just has to be awesome. I don’t care if she rocks out with her tits out as long as the show is actually about something. The newest Catwoman plot was set into motion by a conspiracy involving beauty cream. Lame! I’m a woman and I don’t care about that. Up the stakes already! Make it a global issue. And it is okay if WW is flawed, it doesn’t mean you are insulting all women. You insult us, sir, by assuming we don’t respect good action or comic culture.

Good luck!

More by Kristen, please…

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