Why the Rapture Doesn’t Have to Get in the Way of Your Plans

20 May

by Kristen

According to a lunatic, tomorrow is the official end of days. I can’t pretend this is going to be pleasant for everyone, as only the good will be sucked into heaven, but don’t let that get you down! It looks like the rest of us are going to have five months after tomorrow’s devastating earthquakes until the official end of the world in October. These are the most common New Year’s Resolutions, and I think this is the perfect opportunity to get them all done.

Get a Better Career
Everyone will be starting over, so now you can establish yourself in any job that you want. Always wanted to lead your own rebel group? Now is your chance. Not into upper management? Go rogue, be your own boss. Just want to bum around and read? As long as you blockade yourself in a stronghold, I don’t see why you can’t do that. Assuming you are left behind, you can now be whatever you want to be.

Try New Things
Were you resolved to branch out this year? Your options may be limited, but just change your attitude. I have always said that one person’s steak tartare is another’s apocalypse raccoon meat. Perhaps this isn’t the year that you learn a new language, but you could spend more time in museums. Plus, there are bathrooms and thick walls in those places.

Get Out of Debt
You’re back to zero, baby!

Get Fit
Once the all abandoned vehicles run out of gas, you are going to be doing some walking, possibly some heavy running depending on how crazy some of us get. Well, run yourself right into your new post-apocalyptic body! Not only will you have no excuse anymore, your short lived life may just hinge on it.

Travel More
Like getting fit, accomplishing this resolution is almost guaranteed. Unless you are already in Paris, you probably aren’t going to have time to see it now. Don’t let that get you down. Did you know there is a Paris, Maine? Just because this is the apocalypse, it doesn’t mean your goals have to be unreasonable. Don’t set yourself up to fail.

Help Others
All that is going to be left are people who need help, so get to it.

Good luck tomorrow! And remember, this isn’t just the lead up to the end of days, it is your last chance to be the person you have always wanted to be. My own rebel group and I will be out there to keep you in line.

More by Kristen please…


Posted by on May 20, 2011 in Kristen, Pop Culture


Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

3 responses to “Why the Rapture Doesn’t Have to Get in the Way of Your Plans

  1. Farnham Blair

    May 22, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Thanks to you, next time the world ends, I’m almost completely covered. Just one thing. If my dog is sucked into heaven, I’ll be happy for him, but whom will I throw sticks for? If he doesn’t get sucked into heaven, should I keep a stick handy for protection?
    UNCERTAIN in Blue Hill.

    • tyrannosauruslists

      May 22, 2011 at 4:33 pm

      I think you should ALWAYS keep a stick handy for protection, as you never know how these things are going to play out. Also, it is a good idea to have a stick handy to distract all the bad dogs that are left behind. Even bad dogs like to chase sticks.

  2. Tony

    May 28, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Well May 21st was a bust. At least for the end of the world. Iceland’s Grimsvotn volcano began erupting on May 21. I wonder if the End of Days Prophecy rumor made it over to Iceland. The look on one of there believers face over would have been priceless!


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