RSS

Category Archives: Guest Listers

(Real) Stupid Questions Asked at the Grocery Store

by Anonymous

** These inane questions have really been asked at a grocery store

1. Where is the champagne opener?

2. Do you have any aluminum foil without aluminum?

3. Are these pasteurized* eggs? (*this was a misinterpretation of pasture-raised eggs)

4. This dish soap is organic, right?

5. Do you open all the boxes in the store? (asked to an employee opening boxes, and follow-up question was regarding a product across the store)

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Advice from one beach tourist to another

by Lindsay

After a week-long trip to a resort in Mexico, I made a few observations about my fellow tourists, and learned some lessons that I think others should reflect on before hitting the beach or traveling.

1. If your girlfriend is passed out on the floor, don’t guzzle your wine while two other men attend to her.

2. Male belly button rings are never acceptable.

3. Buying cigars could result in a drug deal.

4. Breast feeding a child the same size as you while on the beach is not OK.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 27, 2011 in Abroad, Guest Listers, Travel

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

8 Reasons to Swap Classes with a Dog

by Lizzy

After reading Kristen’s post titled “How to Love a Bully, Fowl, and Yourself,” I was initially empathetic to poor T Rex in his dog obedience school. As I sat in my own class, “Information Systems in Libraries and Information Centers,” I felt a kindred spirit with the dog.  Both of us have to survive weekly classes that make us better up-standing citizens and teach us how to conform to society’s behavioral expectations. We wait quietly while we are directed to perform whatever whims our instructors have decided upon and are judged by our tough exteriors while we are really sensitive, loving beings inside (okay it was a long class – maybe this is pushing it!).  The point is that after I spent some time pondering these similarities it struck me…Rex’s classes are WAY better than mine, and here are the reasons why I would swap my plight with his:

1. Simple Tasks
– Just think for a moment how easy an A would be if your tasks included: “go right”; “go left”; “sit”; “stay”.  I would trade my upcoming 30 page analysis of integrated information systems for a simple “stop growling at the strangers” assignment in a heart beat.  Yes, I know you will say dogs are dumb and that is a lot for them to handle…yada yada.  But did you know that some scientist think sperm whales assign unique names?  I pose the question; do we really know how much a species is capable of?
(http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2011/03/sperm-whale-names/#)

Read the rest of this entry »

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 31, 2011 in Guest Listers

 

Tags: , , , ,

A Brief Glance into a List Obsessed Life

by Lizzy

Provided are sections extracted from a double sided 81/2 x 11 list.  As you might have determined…this is my grocery list.  I will give you a minute to take in that concept….

The list, in its entirety, is glorious.  Notice the lines that enable quantities to be displayed.  Additional space has been added in order to fill in any of those last minute needs.   Never again do you face a Monday morning, glaring at the fridge, knowing you need to examine its contents in order to have a successful grocery trip after work, ALONE!  With my comprehensive, customizable list you simply let it tell you (or your husband/partner) what the hell to buy!  What you like!  Alone, one may forget important items like beer or toiletries.  But, if the list is utilized correctly, you will find yourself properly prepared for any of life’s nastiest messes.

 

Tags: ,

How to be a Dairy Buyer and Not Die

By: Anonymous Guest Lister

Disclaimer from the editors:  This is funnier if you work retail.

** Please note.  This disgruntled employee quit the Un-Named retail store the following day after 8 years at this store.  He left his position to bike across the west coast, and left this list as his parting wisdom.

HOW TO BE A DAIRY BUYER AND NOT DIE IN THE ATTEMPT

  1. Expect people say that you are ordering too much when they take a look to the wastage.
  2. Expect people say that you are ordering to little when they take a look to the fridge.
  3. Never expect to get everything that you ordered
  4. Always expect to get something  that you didn’t order
  5. Always expect to get something that is not in the system.
  6. Do not expect to get all the invoices.
  7. Do not expect that the invoices will be correct.
  8. Expect to claim at least 1 credit request a day.
  9. Do not expect to get the credit request without being nasty with the suppliers (especially with Simple Simon)
  10. Expect the Private Label products coming with 3 days of shelf life.
  11. Expect to have to take a deep breath before checking the margin
  12. Expect to explain the same thing about the margin every 4 weeks.
  13. Expect to get some out of date products from de supplier everyday.
  14. Do not expect that products that we have been selling for years are going to be in the system.
  15. Expect to spend at least 3-4 hours a day in the fridge (3-degrees C)
  16. Always expect that labels disintegrate by it own.
  17. Always expect team members from other departments taking things from the fridge without asking and without recording it.
  18. Expect everyone leaving everything that they don’t want (basically rubbish) in the walk-in fridge.
  19. Expect everyone taking everything that they need (cleaning products, blue rolls, pens, plastic bags, trolleys…) from the walk-in fridge.
  20. Conclusion: Do not have any good expectations. If something goes wrong you will be ready. If not, you will be happy.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 28, 2011 in Found Lists, Guest Listers

 

Tags: , , , ,

How to Fake It In a 5K Race

…  when you’re really not a runner and the most exercise you’ve gotten in 6 months is taking the stairs at work, and even that leaves you winded, OR A Guide for Enthusiastic Nonathletic Participants

by Karen

Don't embarrass yourself!

1) Dress for success. You won’t blend in wearing jeans or your favorite I ❤ my Cats T-shirt. This isn’t for amateurs. Visit your local TJ Maxx or Marshalls (bonus money saving tip!) and stock up on the proper gear. If you wear black spandex leggings, people will either take you seriously or leave you alone. Either outcome works.

2) Always pre-register and never ask questions at the race packet pickup line. You don’t want to look like this is your first race, even if it is. Just keep your head down, state your name, and follow the person in front of you (Recall: Seinfeld “Soup Nazi” episode)

3) Never ask for a course map of the race. As one blunt race volunteer put it “Are you planning on winning?” Just follow the crowd, be the crowd. Blending is the key to success.

4) Look and sound athletic. When it’s time to line up, do some high knees, stretches, move your arms around, breathe out heavily with a “whoo” sound. Anything to make you look or sound athletic. Saying things like “Oh yeah, I remember this course from last year” and other tough-sounding words or phrases is always good, too.

5)  When the gun goes off, stay with the crowd as long as you can. If you feel the need to walk, make sure no one sees you drop back. This requires stealthily checking your peripheral vision to make sure no one is looking. Practicing this technique the night before is recommended.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 26, 2011 in Guest Listers, Practical Lists

 

Tags: , , , , ,

13 Tips on Surviving any Subway Scenario for Straphangers repulsed by Social Saturation: DC Specific

by Lizzy

1. Practice balancing exercises before entering any metro station. This will ensure absolute control while being shuffled around a metro car. Remember, if you can stand without hands…then you look cool.

2. Platform placement is crucial for commuting comforts.

3. If you are claustrophobic – get over it. Your train will be “holding” in a tunnel under the Potomac River at some point.

4. Be aware. Scout out the best spots to stand in a car, if you can get next to a door without having to step off at every station – that is awesome. I recommend that you do not intentionally stand in the middle section between doors…you will get your ass knocked around (only acceptable if you are secretly craving human contact).

5. Walk with purpose after exiting/entering a station or car…because you are important.

6. If you are a new rider but do not want to look like a new rider, keep the following in mind: do not look around or make eye contact (after a while your neck muscles will be conditioned and staring at the floor will not hurt so bad); do not speak loudly (better if you do not speak at all); do not look at the rail maps inside the train (keep a small one in your pocket); do not lean on the poles (other people have to hold on you know); and finally, get the hell out of the way (be aware that upwards to 20 people typically have to get off and others back on the train in 5-10 seconds).

7. Learn to get really, really close to people without being a creepster.

Read the rest of this entry »

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,