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Tag Archives: humor

Why the Rapture Doesn’t Have to Get in the Way of Your Plans

by Kristen

According to a lunatic, tomorrow is the official end of days. I can’t pretend this is going to be pleasant for everyone, as only the good will be sucked into heaven, but don’t let that get you down! It looks like the rest of us are going to have five months after tomorrow’s devastating earthquakes until the official end of the world in October. These are the most common New Year’s Resolutions, and I think this is the perfect opportunity to get them all done.

Get a Better Career
Everyone will be starting over, so now you can establish yourself in any job that you want. Always wanted to lead your own rebel group? Now is your chance. Not into upper management? Go rogue, be your own boss. Just want to bum around and read? As long as you blockade yourself in a stronghold, I don’t see why you can’t do that. Assuming you are left behind, you can now be whatever you want to be.

Try New Things
Were you resolved to branch out this year? Your options may be limited, but just change your attitude. I have always said that one person’s steak tartare is another’s apocalypse raccoon meat. Perhaps this isn’t the year that you learn a new language, but you could spend more time in museums. Plus, there are bathrooms and thick walls in those places.

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Posted by on May 20, 2011 in Kristen, Pop Culture

 

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(Real) Stupid Questions Asked at the Grocery Store

by Anonymous

** These inane questions have really been asked at a grocery store

1. Where is the champagne opener?

2. Do you have any aluminum foil without aluminum?

3. Are these pasteurized* eggs? (*this was a misinterpretation of pasture-raised eggs)

4. This dish soap is organic, right?

5. Do you open all the boxes in the store? (asked to an employee opening boxes, and follow-up question was regarding a product across the store)

 

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Hey, Baby Boomers: We R’nt Entitled, We R Stupid!

Alls I needs to know is this city is delicious. News shmews!

by Kristen

I tire of my parents’ generation (the “Younger Boomers,” born between 1955-1964) telling my generation (the “Millennials,” born between 1977-1992) that we have a sense of entitlement about free online content, especially in regard to the New York Times paywall. It makes my generation sound cheap and stupid, and I would like to argue that we are mainly the latter. Based on how we spend time on the internet and what we are interested in, we were never going to buy the digital NYT. I care about my mom, a journalist, and about the decline of engaging content online, yet I think her generation has some misconceptions about mine. I am not enthusiastic about this argument, but regardless: We don’t buy the NYT mainly because we are moronic, not because we have a sense of internet entitlement.

1. Fancy City Newspaper Say Wha?
The NYT wants you to believe that the majority of readers are young. In 2009, they reported their readership’s largest age group as 25 to 54. But once you unclump the ages and make 25 to 35 a separate category (and therefore about 16% of readership), the largest readership is actually ages 50+ (at about 37%). The Pew Research Center found only 17% of the population reads a national newspaper like the NYT. That means my generation’s interest makes up 16% of that 17%. I’m no mathemagician, but that isn’t a lot of Millennials. The point is, the majority of us weren’t reading it anyway, and we certainly aren’t going to start with the paywall.

Scoreboard: Entitlement= 0, Stupidity= 1

2. If by “News” you mean “Weather”
The #1 news subject we are looking for online? At 81%: the weather. We literally only care about the world around us, in so much as it is made up of air at a certain temperature and humidity which allows us to continue to play video games and mouth breathe.

Scoreboard: Entitlement= 0, Stupidity= 2

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Posted by on April 29, 2011 in Kristen, Pop Culture, Top Fives

 

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Advice from one beach tourist to another

by Lindsay

After a week-long trip to a resort in Mexico, I made a few observations about my fellow tourists, and learned some lessons that I think others should reflect on before hitting the beach or traveling.

1. If your girlfriend is passed out on the floor, don’t guzzle your wine while two other men attend to her.

2. Male belly button rings are never acceptable.

3. Buying cigars could result in a drug deal.

4. Breast feeding a child the same size as you while on the beach is not OK.

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Posted by on April 27, 2011 in Abroad, Guest Listers, Travel

 

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Who Drives This Car? (#5)

by Kristy and Kristen

Who Drives This Car?

1) lady pondering whether she’s an acid or an alkaline

2) a woman who is proud that her deodorant is strong enough for a man, but pH balanced just for her

3) blonde doctor who forgot the “D” on the end (<– posted by Kristen, and it is okay because she is a fake blonde)

 

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Axe-murderers, Bad Art, and Old Beer

by Kristy and Kristen

We make good travel partners because we both like to (lightly) research weird things to do and then commit to them 100%. Inspired by the oddities of New England, we recently planned and executed a day trip that began in Fall River and ended in Boston.  Here were our picks:

If the tour leaves you wanting more, book a room!

1. Lizzie Borden House, Fall River 
Fall River, Massachusetts, is a depressed factory town with a telling motto of “We’ll Try,” although it honestly doesn’t feel like anyone has in quite some time. It is most famous for the 1892 murders of Andrew and Abby Borden, of the kid-friendly jump rope rhyme, “Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.” We took a tour of Lizzie’s home, led by what appeared to be a 16-year old girl with a heavy Boston accent and a to-go cup of soda she never put down. Don’t judge her! She is incredibly well informed on the history and mysteries surrounding the murders, and she is working on her mortician certification. So, we guess that answers the question of whether working at such a place leads one to odd life choices. During the tour we were encouraged to recreate the death scene in the living room, and to guess whether Lizzie really was the murderer.  If you haven’t had enough of the Borden saga, you can spend the night at the B&B, visit the cemetery where the Bordens are buried, or try to gain entrance to the historical society which contains many Borden-related relics.

Yes, this art is at the entrance to the loo.

2. Museum of Bad Art, Dedham and Somerville 
The Museum of Bad Art, or MOBA, asks tough questions such as “Are those ice creams or mountains?” and “What would Mary Todd Lincoln look like with poinsettias on her head?” We visited the Dedham location, which is next to the men’s bathroom in a local theater (the website claims, “the nearby flushing helps maintain a uniform humidity”). Whoever wrote the captions to the found and donated pieces in the collection deserves a Pulitzer.

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Who Drives This Car?? (#4)

by Kristy

 

Who Drives this Car?

1) (nearly) Angry driver

2) angora sweater-knitter

3) Ang Lee the Sun God

 
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Posted by on April 13, 2011 in Kristy, Picture Lists

 

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